I absolutely love that my dogs are so expressive when they see me. They are always happy to see me when I come home (or get up in the morning even though they sleep with me!), approaching with happy wagging tails and even the odd “aroooo!”.

Another thing I love is their own way of smiling when I meet their eyes across the room. Ernie’s whole face goes soft and his eyes go squinty and his tail starts gently wagging (or gently by Staffy standards at least!). Max is more subtle. With him its soft eyes and slight ear movement. It’s a little moment of connection, of happiness that we have each other. And I always smile back in my own human way. These moments are so meaningful to me, and I hope they are to them too.

By matching their low key energy they often just rest their heads or carry on abut their business. Or, particularly if I speak or give them another gesture they will approach and we’ll have a little fuss session.

As with most of us these days a lot of my life revolves around my laptop and my phone. Them knowing that when I am on my laptop means my attention is generally not available is helpful when I’m trying to work, so there’s that. But something happened that has made me think more on this…

One day I was scrolling on my phone, I don’t even remember what I was doing now. I look up and Max is looking directly at me, seemingly hopeful of catching my eye.

And it got me wondering how many of these attempts at connection I’m missing because I’m staring at some kind of screen. Have my dogs learned over the years that my attention is less and less available? And how might they feel about that?

In human therapy (check out the Gottman Institute) these moments are called bids for connection, usually in the context of our partners. Partners can then either turn towards these bids or turn away. Unsurprisingly studies have shown that relationships in which partners turn towards bids for connection significantly outlast those that turn away.

I once had a client whose dog had some dog reactivity issues, but when taking a history we discussed that he had started to just go and lie down alone a lot and not interact much at home. She started to put her phone down when her dog entered the room and to simply give him eye contact and this made a huge difference to how often he came into the room and acknowledged or approached her and it opened up more interaction. In turn both he and she were more keen to do more together because both of them were being positively reinforced for paying attention to the other!

This seemed to start to seep into their training around his dog reactivity as well. It isn’t surprising that if we disconnect from our dogs at home when we are distracted that our dogs are going to do the same with us.

Try to look up from your screens regularly and look to your dog. Particularly if they enter the room, or you see them adjust their position.

When you look up be conscious about what your facial expression and body language is conveying. Soften your face to calmly offer a positive connection. If you are available for more attention speak to your dog to offer that.

If your dog approaches when you are preoccupied with a screen then – unless they are inappropriate attention seekers and you are training them otherwise – then take a few seconds to acknowledge their bid for connection. And mean it! It’ll mean the world to your dog.

As much as setting aside specific chunks of time for walks, training and meal times are important, it’s the smaller moments of just sitting on the floor and letting your dog come over and have a play and just having fun with them that can really count for so much.

Also, pop your phone away on walks. This is another time for connection and being present when your dog looks to you, looks to involve you in the walk. Be available for those check ins.

Go forth and enjoy more moments of special connection with your dog!

Sometimes it’s helpful to have someone who you can talk to about your dog’s specific struggles, to come up with a plan individually tailored for you, and someone to provide ongoing support so you know you’re getting it right and doing the right things.

If that sounds like you then I’d love to hear more about you and your dog, and your goals together.